I was talking to Megan the other night and she mentioned to me that she was reading one of Jessica Valenti's books at work. I told her that sometimes I get embarassed to talk about feminism openly because it's seen as somewhat of an 'f-word' - the minute you admit to aligning yourself with this movement it seems you open yourself up to all kinds of criticism and ridicule. The kind of ridicule that men discussing "men's rights" seem to avoid. What shock. This discussion led to another which led to another which eventually spawned the idea for our new website - but that's for another post.
What Megan told me is that she has no problem leaving this book open on her desk (Megan, if you're reading this, I really admire how open you are about this. I love that you're dying to start sporting a "This is what a Feminist looks like" tshirt.) She told me that she's been asked about it by the guys she works with in that typical "Haha - you're a Feminist??" kind of way. Her response so far has been "Yep." It's working well for her - she's able to engage people in conversations this way.
What she told me the other day about one response really got me thinking. A guy said to her, "So if we're all equal, is it ok if I punch you in the face?" This is something that comes up in feminist discussions a lot, it seems. "If we're equal, then..." and it's followed by anything from "why do women get hired more than men??" to "how come girls are ahead of boys in literacy testing during grade school??" (Just for the purpose of not starting something and then leaving it unfinished - women are hired more than men in certain jobs, yes. These jobs, though, are often low-paying because they are typically associated with females. Teachers, secretaries, cashiers, waitresses, that kind of thing. "Pink-collar jobs." Men are more likely to be hired in higher paying jobs. This may suck for the guy trying to become a kindergarten teacher, but it sucks even more for a woman trying not to be. The literacy thing is upsetting - we definitely shouldn't leave boys behind. But does that necessarily mean that young women doing well with literacy testing is a bad thing?)
Anyway, back to "So can I punch you in the face?" Umm, no. You can't. And I'm quite embarassed to say it took me a few days to figure out the full scope of why.
If someone had asked me this a few days ago, I would have told them this:
1. It's not ok to hit ANYONE in the face.
2. Men are statistically bigger and physically stronger than women, and hitting anyone in the face who is smaller than you is REALLY not ok.
If they asked me this morning, I probably would have started with the above two reasons and then added a few things. Firstly, we're not equal in this society. Not yet. I mean, fundamentally in the universe we are and always have been, but not in our contemporary world. It would be nice if we were, and that we could just erase the history of women's oppression, but we can't, and that history informs violent actions that are committed by men against women. It's not ok to hit anyone, and it's especially not ok to hit someone smaller than you. But it has been historically ok to hit women - ever heard of the 'rule of thumb'? Know where that comes from? Google it. I don't mean to suggest that men can't be victims of intimate partner violence because they can, but statistically much less than women are (only 1% directed at men while 76% of family abuse is directed towards wives.) That said, when a man hits a woman, in my opinion, it brings with it the history of women being 'diciplined' by their boyfriends, husbands, fathers, brothers, and bosses (See this ad.)
When a woman hits a man, she's a woman hitting a man. When a man hits a woman, it's society, history and all men hitting that woman. It's the difference between calling a gay person a 'fag' and calling a straight person a 'breeder.' It's a reinforcement of an attitude that gets played out every day, every where, and to the detriment of every woman. It's about physical pain, yes, and that's why a person should never hit someone smaller than them, but it's about more than just physical pain. It's about control, oppression, and entitlement and about staking a claim to that entitlement by hitting and intimidating. It's about reinforcing a male privilege that we live with every day already, that says that men can have more, be more, do more and acheive more and that women should sit down, shut up and smile. It's like a sticky note to remind you that historically, when your father walked you down the isle, you were his property, and when he left you at the alter, you were a husband's property.
What I would love to ask this person is why he'd like to hit me in the face. I think his answers would be pretty telling. What reason would you have for wanting to hit a woman in the face. Did she 'piss you off'? Was she behaving 'out of line'? Did she hit you first, and was it that painful that you thought you'd just put her back in her place?
And why the face? Because if you leave a mark, it's more damaging on the face? So that everyone can see the humiliation associated with a woman's punishment? So other people can degrade her by looking at this mark and wondering if she deserved it? Or maybe because if you mark her face it leaves her looking less attractive, and the worst thing you can do to a woman is apparently to destroy her physical beauty?
Here's a couple more facts on domestic violence, just for good measure:
In 1982, the Canadian House of Commons officially adopted that 1 out of 10 Canadian women are battered by their husbands or live-in partners. Other studies suggest 1 out of 8 Canadian women are physically, sexually or psychologically abused by their partners.
Most wife assaults happen in private places, away from the eyes of neighbours, friends, and any potential help for the victim. Most cases occur in the family home. The kitchen and master bedroom are the most dangerous rooms.
See holysmoke for more.
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