How To Write a Best Seller

I think it's a formula... and I think I've figured it out.

It goes a little something like this:

1. Think of something that everyone likes, uses or agrees with (we'll call this factor 'X')

2. Decide it pisses you off, (the degree to which it pisses you off shall be 'Y')

3. Do some shoddy half-research that suggests not only that whatever you hate is somewhat harmful, but that it is destroying our society both morally and economically, and that it will make you fat. Use this as leverage to create a panic. (The terror factor will be called 'Z')

4. Release the book at an opportune time or in a convenient location - for instance, hate Kleenex? Think they'll cause an epidemic of incurable toenail fungus in pre-pubescent boys and destroy the environment one bleach particle at a time? Release the book in December. Hate tea? Think it'll not only cause insomnia, but also, with enough consumption, cause your bones to glow in the dark due to high levels of tanic acid? Hold the launch party in London, England. Hate douchebags? Think that high levels of douchebaggery in youths between the ages of 17 and 24 will cause cancer and that by extension, will cost all of us good taxpayers (and family folk! Won't someone think of the children??) extortionate amounts of money in healthcare costs???? Release the book somewhere near the Brick Brewing Company. What this does, is ensure that the very people reading your book are the ones most influenced - and most immediately influenced - by factor X. They'll pick up your book while using a dreaded Kleenex and wonder if perhaps these tissues are not quite as innocent as they appear to be, and then curiosity and fear will do the rest. (For simplicity, curiosity will be 'C', and fear 'F')

And there you have it! The formula for a best seller: XY(C+F) + Z

Disclaimer: I understand that there are many things in this world that are truly harmful, and I fully support those who write books about them. It would be awful if some of these books weren't written. People definitely need to know that things like milk, cell phones, diet pills, purity balls, tanning beds, etc. are harmful and that they should limit their exposure. That being said, it grates my cheese when books like this get airplay on CBC (hilarious and jabbing as that interview was...) Despite the hard work that probably went into coming up with such a witty title, I truly feel that the connection between air conditioners and obesity is weak at best. It depresses me that people will be less likely to come across books like "The Purity Myth" because the shelves are too cluttered with crap. Just because everyone and their dog is writing a book these days, it doesn't mean you have to as well - especially if your book is about something stupid.

I think I'm going to write my own bestseller. It's going to be called "Booked!!" (the cover will feature a bunch of crappy best sellers in handcuffs - double entendre!) It's going to be about how crappy books about crap no one cares about are destroying the planet by causing mass idiocy in people ages 10-90 and are eating our precious trees one by one as we have to make more paper to print them. Also, they cause polio, anorexia and the flesh-eating disease.